Approval Addiction. {Remembering Why I Started This Blog}

My computer crashed.

Just like that.

Working one minute.

Screen of death the next.

No warning.

Guess who owns an external hard drive but failed to take the time to back up the last two years of her life?

Yep.

We tried the Geek Squad.

Apparently they are not the computer gurus they claim to be.

Sobs upon sobs.

My mind can not help but think of Edie.

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BACK UP YOUR PHOTOS!!!

Take it a step further and print them out even.

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Our last resort is to send my hard drive to a lab.

Please pray that this works.

I really don't care if I can recover everything else on it...just my pictures.

Lord please let me get the images of my precious children back.

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Our Disney trip in October.

Gone.

And where were the pictures from when my kids were Junior Docents for a day??

Why were these pictures not on my blog already?!

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I began to ask myself why on Earth I would have failed to write about such major events in our lives.

The answer to that question has revealed a few ugly truths about my blog.

And myself.

I lost my Disney pictures, and failed to post about Junior Docent Day, because I put off posting about those memories in order to "keep up" with all that goes on in this fast paced world of blogging.

To get my post up on time for "Mr. Linky".

To join in on the latest greatest "meme" of the week.

Get my blog "noticed".

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What started out as a way to preserve the memories of my family somehow became a place for me to generate approval.

Fit In.

Feel accepted.

Recognized.

Popular.

*gasp*

High School all over again.

I know.

The approval junkie teenager is still lurking deep down looking to feel like she belongs.

I almost break into hives just thinking about it.

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The more followers I got, the more concerned I became about pleasing them instead of being true to myself.

The more pressure I felt to make my blog sound interesting.

Impressive even.

The more concerned I became with writing about what my followers may enjoy reading instead of writing about what I may one day enjoy remembering.

The more obsessed I became with the rush that came every time the numbers went up.

Every time a new comment was left.

The high of validation.

Popular.

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Please do not misunderstand me here.

I make no judgments about blogging or how each individual chooses to blog.

I am evaluating my own reasons and speaking solely for myself.

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There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting my blog to grow.

Be noticed

Be popular.

There is nothing wrong with using my blog as a means of income for my family one day should I decide to.

Or using different methods online in order to accomplish that.

But there is something very wrong with selling myself, my goals, and my memories for the approval of others.

Feeding the addiction.

And that is where I am.

Weeding through my motives.

Checking myself.

Getting back to basics.

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I genuinely love the community I have found here.

Treasure the friendships.

Appreciate every single person that has taken the time to read my mindless ramblings.

And pray that you will stay.

But I need to be ok with the fact that you may choose not to.

That one day I may have a blog that no one wants to read but me.

I need to know that when my children are no longer children and my mind has slipped a bit...(no snickering)

That I was faithful to write about and capture now what I will most want to remember then.

If I can know in my heart that I am staying true to that, then I will count every Mr. Linky I get to be a part of...bonus. :-)



"My every mortal breath, is Grace and nothing less"