Because Mine Is a Heart That Needs To Be Reminded...Emmanuel Has Come. {Processing Sandy Hook}

I had just hit "publish" on my InstaFriday post.
Had just noticed that the header on my blog was missing.
Spent a good hour trying to fix it.
Was about to write up a post explaining this to my readers because "first impressions are everything"....at least the folks that know what makes a blog a good blog say so.

Then it happened.
"A school shooting had occurred in Connecticut...One teacher shot in the foot."
I remember that my initial thought was that a young child had brought a gun to school and injured a teacher with it.
What a shame I thought.


Busy morning running errands.
In and out of stores.
Finally, a chance to check my facebook.
I sat there in my car, in the parking lot of Dollar Tree, sobbing as I read accounts of the terror that had unfolded in a small elementary school in Connecticut.
My momma heart crumbling.
Breath clutched tight in my chest.
How I wished my initial assumptions had been true.
Just a kid, just a teacher...just a foot.
How grossly wrong those first account reports had been.
How worried I had been about a missing blog header.
Impressing you the reader.

Just like all of us, I have tried so hard to make sense of what has happened.
Sort through the oxygen robbing emotions I have felt.
Fear.
Confusion.
Grief.
Why?
Nausea.
Anxiety.
Anger.
Heartbreak.
Anger.
Fear.
Heartbreak.

Like a tide.
They roll in.
Back out.
In again.

Finally, in an attempt to process some of what was whirling around in my head, I posted this on Facebook:

"I feel traumatized if I allow myself to hear/think about it. I feel guilty if I try not to. I feel sick with every post/newscast I see about it. I feel angry at every thing I see that ISN'T about it. I feel crazy for crying all day. I feel guilty for laughing knowing what so many moms and dads are enduring in the moment. I feel full of grief when I think of what those parents must face today as they realize this is still their reality. I feel full of guilt for grieving a child that isn't even mine. What gives me the right when mine are breathing right next to me?? I feel like I should pray...but then cannot find the words. Then I realize that my own faith is lacking because if I were these parents I would not want to hear about "God's plans for me"...Yes, I just said that. Just feeling the need to be real. He already knows my many struggles/shortcomings. He alone has the answers...I just try in vain to find them this side of heaven. I really don't expect this to make sense. I just needed to purge this stuff out of my head. Writing helps."

Oh me of little faith.
He must get so tired of me doubting Him.
Still...I have to be honest before Him.
Light can only pierce through an object that is transparent.
I need His light.

Besides...

The God that carried the cross of the world can handle my brutally honest ramblings on Facebook.
My lack of faith in Him.
My doubting Him.
He can.

How do I process this Lord?
Am I really ever supposed to?
Should this ever be something I can wrap my mind around?

He answered,
Reminded me.
Leave it to Ann Voskamp. (You must read this)
That even when I cannot wrap my  mind around something of this world...
I can wrap my hope up in the Christ of eternity.

That "A snake’s neurology and blood flow make it such that it slithers wild even after it’s been sliced headless."

That "A snake can wreak havoc until it accepts it has no head — that it’s really dead."

That "Even if the tail still rampages, the snake’s head is crushed."

He is good.
He is victorious.
He is faithful.
He is trustworthy.
He is in control.
He is sovereign.
He is Lord.
He is here.
Emmanuel...God has come.

"He came – and He cups us in our aloneness and our agony, in our weeping and our wondering, in our howl, “My God, my God, why has thou forsaken us?” – and He whispers, I am Emmanuel, God who is with you." -Ann

I am a soul that constantly needs to be reminded.
Because mine is a heart that shamefully needs to be told over and over again.
Because mine is a mind that wrestles with fears and doubts and trusting God.
Headless serpent thrashes.
Trauma clutches.
Fear paralyzes.
Thoughts cripple.
Momma hearts bleed.
I need to be reminded.

He has come and we are not forsaken.
Today.
Everyday.
I need to be reminded.