Monday, January 18, 2010

Haiti just may have changed my life

"So also faith, if it does not have works (deeds and actions of obedience to back it up), by itself is destitute of power (inoperative, dead)." -James 2:17

It's Monday. And I'm just not up for blogging. Not up for trying to be witty. Not up for trying to be clever. Not even up for caring if anyone reads this. I'm not up for a lot of the things that typically bring me joy these days. Not even my camera. I am broken. The images. The people. The children. The pain. The devastation. The tears. The loss. Haiti.

I cannot sleep without picturing the crowds of people and children on the streets. I cannot eat without thinking of people trapped under rubble. I cannot take a Tums without thinking of the thousands that are receiving Civil War type medical care with nothing to curb their pain. I cannot close my eyes without the images racing through my mind. And the children...don't get me started.

So often it is easy for me to sing songs or pray prayers such as "Break my heart for what breaks Yours God"...almost wishing I could rope them back in as they leave my lips...fearful of what that might actually look like...knowing the whole time that my heart isn't 100% behind the prayer I'm praying...the words I'm singing. But it can become even easier for me to allow the fear and doubt to drown out my faith...get busy...become self absorbed once again...find it easier to change the channel and start going about my daily routine...and forget. Not this time. See, it turns out God is still in the business of answering our prayers...whole hearted or not.

This time I am at a place of pushing through the fear and indifference that sets in...a place of needing to experience authentic Faith...something bigger than myself...something that expresses true religion...the kind Jesus exemplified during His life on Earth. This time I want to be on mission with ready to fearless and full of ready to say "YES" to God without even considering the what ifs.

So my husband and I are digging deep into our pockets and giving...renewing our passports online... and positioning ourselves to be ready to GO should we be called. We are pressing into the fears (did I mention I hate airplanes?) and uncertainties...we are preparing our hearts to step out in faith. I don't know if any of this means that God will ever actually put us on the ground in Haiti...or any other foreign soil for that matter...I can only say that stepping outside of myself...getting out of my selfish flesh...stepping into the will of God...and knowing I'd GO in a me a peace that I could never explain this side of feels feels right. And I mean that...whole heartedly.

"And whatever I do, may it always bring Glory to You"

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