Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The me that He sees

She's not pretty trust me. But the me that He sees matters more to me than the "pretty" picture of me that I could very easily paint here. The me that He sees right now is frazzled. She's trying desperately to hold it together while her husband is out of town for the week. She's praying over her very sick teenager that's laying in her bed with asthma and 101 fever. She begs God to protect him and keep him safe. She feels helpless. She's not 100% convinced that He even hears her prayers. She struggles with unbelief more often than she'd like. She wouldn't want you to know that. She's prideful.

She has not showered today. She considers it a huge accomplishment just to get her teeth brushed and library books returned on time. She's now unsure if they were even on time at all. She's tired of trying to remember everything. She's tired of wearing so many hats. She's tired of trying to be perfect. She's tired of needing to be everything to everyone.

She has a laundry room full of dirty clothes. She has a laundry room full of clean clothes. She's reading The Nester feeling discontent with her own house. She's ungrateful.

She hasn't spent time alone with God today. She has resentment that her husband is in Florida getting accolades and eating out poolside with peers while she is cold and eating a grilled cheese sandwich with kids that tattle every 5 seconds. She's sick of cleaning toilets. She considers putting a lock on the inside of her closet. She feels sorry for herself.

She's unable to find joy in the laughter of her children. She even finds it irritating at times. She has not had enough sleep. She's worried. She's fearful. She's cranky. She's devising a plan to bolt the minute her husband's feet grace the door. She has no idea where she will go. She's selfish.

She has not accomplished the schoolwork she needed to. She entertains thoughts of how easy life would be if her kids went to the "p" public school word. She feels guilty. She feels inadequate.

She raises her voice multiple times in anger so that her kids will just "do what she says" for the love of Pete. She has no idea who "Pete" even is. She has felt like a failure more than once today. She prays they won't remember. She fears they will.

She has cursed. She wouldn't dare say it out loud. She wouldn't want anyone to think that she would do such a thing. She is self-righteous.

She is overwhelmed.

She is tired.

She is so convicted...and so sorry. She wants so desperately for Him to find her Faithful. She wants to run after His heart with all she has within.

She is reminded.

She is His.
She is covered in Grace.

She has Grace that is enough...and mercies that are new...waiting for her again tomorrow.

She will keep trying.

"And whatever I do, may it always bring Glory to You."

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