"So also faith, if it does not have works (deeds and actions of obedience to back it up), by itself is destitute of power (inoperative, dead)." -James 2:17It's Monday. And I'm just not up for blogging. Not up for trying to be witty. Not up for trying to be clever. Not even up for caring if anyone reads this. I'm not up for a lot of the things that typically bring me joy these days. Not even my camera. I am broken. The images. The people. The children. The pain. The devastation. The tears. The loss. Haiti.
I cannot sleep without picturing the crowds of people and children on the streets. I cannot eat without thinking of people trapped under rubble. I cannot take a Tums without thinking of the thousands that are receiving Civil War type medical care with nothing to curb their pain. I cannot close my eyes without the images racing through my mind. And the children...don't get me started.
So often it is easy for me to sing songs or pray prayers such as "Break my heart for what breaks Yours God"...almost wishing I could rope them back in as they leave my lips...fearful of what that might actually look like...knowing the whole time that my heart isn't 100% behind the prayer I'm praying...the words I'm singing. But it can become even easier for me to allow the fear and doubt to drown out my faith...get busy...become self absorbed once again...find it easier to change the channel and start going about my daily routine...and forget. Not this time. See, it turns out God is still in the business of answering our prayers...whole hearted or not.
This time I am at a place of pushing through the fear and indifference that sets in...a place of needing to experience authentic Faith...something bigger than myself...something that expresses true religion...the kind Jesus exemplified during His life on Earth. This time I want to be on mission with God...be ready to act...be fearless and full of courage...be ready to say "YES" to God without even considering the what ifs.
So my husband and I are digging deep into our pockets and giving...renewing our passports online... and positioning ourselves to be ready to GO should we be called. We are pressing into the fears (did I mention I hate airplanes?) and uncertainties...we are preparing our hearts to step out in faith. I don't know if any of this means that God will ever actually put us on the ground in Haiti...or any other foreign soil for that matter...I can only say that stepping outside of myself...getting out of my selfish flesh...stepping into the will of God...and knowing I'd GO in a heartbeat...gives me a peace that I could never explain this side of Heaven.....it feels good...it feels right. And I mean that...whole heartedly.
"And whatever I do, may it always bring Glory to You"
The act of getting a passport is so underestimated. Once that booklet is in your hand you are, indeed, positioning yourself for anything and everything. Once that booklet is in your hand you have made yourself available. That booklet opens doors and the possibilities all of the sudden are endless.
ReplyDeleteGoing to a developing country to give to people that will never be able to repay you back will change your life in indescribable ways. Your heart breaks in a way that can never be repaired. It's a transforming hurt that I wish EVERYONE could experience.
Wow! I could not agree with you more. I am writing a post about that very feeling today. All weekend my heart has been breaking. Its all I can think about as well and Im so tired of just living within my own selfish flesh. It is such a worthless existence for the God who called us, loved us when we were unlovable and saved us when we don't deserve to be saved.
ReplyDeleteGrace I tell you Grace...if He has given it to us, we must pass it on!! Its unexplainable, grace that is...why did He give it to us...We don't know and why do we feel completely compelled to show it to others...only because of Him.
Reading through your post reminded me of working through Henry Blackaby's Bible Study, Experiencing God, years ago.
ReplyDeleteHe would always say, "It costs more to disobey God than to obey."
Go, where you feel He's leading you and obey!